BookBadBadBook

I am currently reading "Letters to Alice - On First Reading Jane Austen" by Fay Weldon, and it is, so far, very bad. So without further ado I'm going to give you a spark notes style summary of what I've read so far. I'll keep updating as I keep reading and soon enough nobody will ever have to read this book ever ever again. And there will be much rejoicing.

Letter One:
Dear Alice,
Your mum, who’s also my sister if you didn’t know I was your Auntie when you wrote to me, is kinda worried about you because you dye your hair green. What is up with that?
You really should read books. Books fucking rule. Now I’m going to bore you with a damn long and arduous metaphor about “Book City” where I just diss Sci-Fi and talk about how flipping sweet Jane Austen is.
There are lots of jelly fish in the water so I can’t go swimming. Goodness gracious, someone nearly got hit in the head by a coconut. I bet you 500 bucks you haven’t read this poem: Hound of Heaven.
Your mum (did I already say she’s my sister too? That makes me your Aunt. Cool right?) also tells me you want to write a book when you have time. Take my advice and don’t. It would be really bad I’m sure.
Best Wishes,
Aunt Fay.

Letter Two:
Dear Alice,
So you have read the poem you little bitch, and you want to spend the 500 on ‘Microsoft Word’ aye? That is a stupid idea. If you are going to write a book you have to use a pen fool. If God had meant us to type, we’d have had a keyboard instead of fingers. Even though if we did have a keyboard instead of fingers we would have to push the keys with our tongues. Now that I think about it, fingers are pretty essential for typing. Oh, it would have been better if I’d said “If God had meant us to write with a pen we’d have pens for fingers.” Because you could quite easily write with pen fingers. Note to self: “Pen Fingers”
With Love,
Aunt Fay

Letter Three:
Dear Alice
Have I mentioned just how amazing Jane Austen is? She is the best; so much better than you are. Now I’ll tell you her life story.
Oh, Alice dear, do you remember that time you tried to drown your sister Polly? You were quite the rascal. Yes, what a scallywag you were.
Your aunt (My sister is your mum! How fucking weird!), Fay

- Ardy, is fairly certain this cold will be the death of her.

ps. We were at the beach, everybody had matching towels. Somebody looked under a dock, and there they found a rock. But it wasn't a rock, it was a rock lobster.

listening to: Night on Night - Art of Fighting